A lot of times I don’t feel like a Girl. But I don’t feel like a Boy either. Often times I don’t feel like a Person at all, I just feel like ME.
I like the idea of having a username. I turn myself into a video game character. I am recollectiions. I’m just a word on a screen. I’m a profile picture, an avatar. I can dive deeper into the computer and uncover the building blocks, and I would find out that I am actually just a sequence of 1s and 0s. That feels a lot more fitting sometimes, than whatever human body I am confined to at the moment.
My body is a cage but my mind holds the key.
I can change the username whenever I want. I can change the avatar whenever I want. I can experiment, I can try what feels right; and if it doesn’t, I can try again. I wish I could do the same with my human body. I feel trapped sometimes, I would much rather be a nameless faceless celestial being staring at an endless expanse of stars. That’s why I always keep the alien ring on my finger, because it reminds me who I really am.
I almost lost the ring yesterday, I left it in the computer lab on campus when I was taking a quiz. I felt like a mother who couldn’t find her child, I immediately drove back to find it. I felt relieved when it was back on my finger, and I felt guilty that I even let it leave my side for one second.
I try not to have any attachment to anything, which I learned from Buddhism. But I think there is something beautiful in the attachment I have to this ring, it almost feels like I can talk to it sometimes. Sometimes I look at the alien on my finger and I feel like I am looking at myself, or myself is looking back at me. It’s like having a mini me, a friend with me at all times who really understands me.
It is a childlike concept to have an imaginary friend, but it is a quite common one. I don’t know why we as adults are embarrassed to continue imagining. I’m happy with my new imaginary friend.
recollectiions 